Conflict Resolution
(or solving life’s problems without creating new ones!)
The benefits of children solving their own problems
Children use the same skills solving conflicts with others as they use to solve mathematical problems. Practicing independent conflict resolution improves mathematical thinking skills.
Children may not always have an adult around to solve problems for them. Independent conflict resolution increases their confidence in being able to handle situations that arise when adults are not present.
When conflict resolution strategies don’t work, children need to learn how to get away from situations for their own safety.
Children who know how to solve conflicts can help their friends respond in appropriate ways to problems with others.
Problem solving requires ‘decentering’ (thinking about something from someone else’s point of view). As a child becomes skilled at ‘walking in someone else’s shoes’, he will make choices based, not only on what is best for him, but also on what is best for all.
What children need to do to solve their own problems
Use your words. If someone is doing something and you want them to stop, ask them to please stop and tell them why. "Please stop waving your hands in front of my face because I don’t like it. It makes me feel angry."
Ignore it. If someone is being annoying but she isn’t hurting you, you might want to just keep on doing what you are doing and pretend they’re not bothering you.
Move away. Put some distance between you and the person who is bothering you.
Try your words one more time.
If all else fails, or if someone is threatening to hurt you, get an adult to help you.
If you needs to intervene, don't just take over. Here are some suggestions to help sort things out:
What happened? Let everyone tell his side of the story. If the stories are in direct opposition, ask questions that might shed light on the situation.
Try really hard not to take one side or the other. The adult must be an unbiased mediator. Your goal is not to place blame but to support the children involved as they learn to handle conflict themselves. Do very little ‘telling’; do a lot of listening and asking.
Did you use your words?
Do you know some words you could use? What words could you say? Help them find words that express what they need to tell the other person.
Encourage the victim to confront the aggressor with you present as support.
Parrot what one child has said to the other. "I hear Jamie saying that you … and that he felt…" Then parrot back what the other child said, so you are sure everyone understands what is being said.
Most often, one child does something to another for a reason. If possible, help the aggressor identify what it was, if anything, that made him do what he did. Then help him find words or another way that he could have solved the problem without hitting, pushing, grabbing, whatever he did. For example, the child who says, "I didn’t like her looking at me so I poked her with my pencil" could be encouraged to use his words, ("please don’t look at me.") or to move to another spot.
Ask the other child what they are going to do. Can they say or do anything to make the situation better or to make restitution?
When a solution is suggested, is it agreeable to both children? Ask: Is that okay with you?
