Strict parenting is key to success, study finds   By STACI HUPP Des Moines Register Staff Writer 03/31/2001   Ames, Ia. - Children with strict parents stay out of trouble later in life, a new Iowa State University study shows.   The research is a triumph for parents, counselors and educators who blame crime, violence and drug abuse among teen-agers on a lack of discipline.   "A lot of parents think they want to be friends with their kids," said Bob Kerksieck, chemical dependency services director for Youth and Shelter Services in Ames. "Friends don't tend to confront friends. It's important that they not only set strict rules but also enforce strict rules."   Discipline during the middle-school years is the key, said ISU sociologist Ron Simons.   Simons wanted to know why some "problem children" fall through the cracks as teen-agers and adults, while others reach adulthood unscathed.   Credit the early curfews, lectures, groundings and other rules, said Simons, who studied 300 small-town Iowa children and their families for four years.   "Parents who have very difficult kids tend to back off and become more lax as the children grow up," he said. "It reinforces this nasty or aggressive behavior. The child is actually training a parent to be a bad parent."   The study's definition of problem children includes those who throw temper tantrums, talk back to adults, bully other children, show off, don't listen to their parents, and blame their mischief on others.   The quality of parenting in middle school was the best predictor of future problems, the study showed. Cracking down during high school years is less effective because the teen-ager has more freedom, Simons said.   The findings clash with a widespread belief that genetics or psychological disorders turn problem children into criminals or anti-social adults, Simons said.   "It could very well be that some children are born with more aggressive tendencies, but that doesn't mean they're going to become delinquent or criminal," he said. "What accounts for that is the extent that parents are able to help control their behavior."   Mike Hadfield says discipline was one of his shortcomings as a parent.   His 18-year-old son, Mike Jr., fled an Ames substance-abuse clinic more than a year ago. Father and son no longer speak to each other.   Hadfield said he and his wife "were so self-centered in our lives," while Mike Jr. grew up.   "I was too young, and I didn't realize what it was all about. All kids want to please their parents, but you have to give them the time of day," he said. "You can't be so busy that they raise themselves."   Hadfield, 40, wants to mend the relationship with his son. He's also learned from his mistakes.   Hadfield and his second wife keep a lid on their alcohol use and a short leash on their sons, ages 8 and 16.   "We know at all times what they're doing, and for the younger one, we strictly watch who he plays with," Hadfield said.   Parents of troubled teen-agers still have hope because they can influence who their children spend time with, Simons said.   "It's much easier early in high school because you have control over money, over curfew, and you have control over whether you let them use the car," Simons said. "Once they're gone with a car, it's much harder."   A series of $6 million, five-year grants from the National Institute of Health and the National Institute of Drug Abuse paid for the ISU research, Simons said.